November 23, 2000: 2:00 a.m.  –  
Reflections

They say she is dying - how did we get here?
They say she is dying - there is still so much life and laughter I thought we would have.
I saw her Berkeley graduation picture for the first time 2 years ago and hated it because for a flash, for a moment, I saw it on her coffin.

They say she is dying - why would God do this to me?
They say she is dying - when does life really end, or does it ever end? Does it just change form?
On the eve of September 7, 2000, I had such a dark feeling. The wind was blowing so hard I felt it in the bottom of my soul. I paced the house, knowing life was changing in that moment. 

They say she is dying - I thought it was to be her on the evening of that dark night.
They say she is dying - I told my father to please keep a special eye on her that as I felt something was very wrong.
I then went to bed, my last words to Rudi, in the still of that dark night, “we are in the calm before the storm.”

They say she is dying – prior to this season our lives always felt so blessed.
They say she is dying – Since I was 10 years old, I always, always looked at Bev and knew she had Gods’ favor in every area of his life.
I got to the hospital late that next morning truly expecting she would be gone. But when I got there she and my father were sound asleep.

I woke my father, he urged me to have Beverly come home from that hospital. He was tired, he said and felt that we could care for her better at home. I then kissed him goodbye . . .

They say she is dying – but it was not supposed to be her on that day in September.
They say she is dying – I was never to see my dads’ baby blue eyes again. The only way I can seem them now is to look into a mirror and see my own and to remember how similar his were.
I knew from an early age watching my sister that I wanted to grow up and have that same favor. She’d walk in a room and I’d see people take notice. Her energy was different, her love and her laughter were contagious.

I would watch my father and yearn for the courage and conviction that he had to do what he had to do – at all cost, trusting that God would take care of all of us.

They say she is dying – are they right? Why then the words from God to my father, Beverly, and others that she is to be healed?
They say she is dying – but ‘they’ are not The Great Physician, so how do they know?

We met with the doctors today.

The cancer is now throughout her entire brain. She does not wake much anymore. She is so at peace – there is no pain.

What is God’s plan?

They say she is dying – I guess we are all closer to that moment every day – but do we live our lives acknowledging that every single moment is a gift, a privilege, not a right?
They say she is dying – but she is not dead. She is here, right now, in this moment and she is beautiful.

She is my big sister, one of the few people I see as a role model for my life. 

And so, I celebrate life, today, and every day in whatever form God decides is best – as only he knows.

--Dianna